I write these little notes almost so one day you'll see it..and realize how knee deep i am into you..because i don't think you believe me..

the way you lay next to me..looking straight into my eyes, and i let you..i dont like to be looked at but your eyes..those eyes ..i want them on me forever.

him: your going to get tired of me..and leave me.

Her: that has never been my role...actually..your gonna treat me like I'm the most amazing creature you ever seen..then your going to detach..and give me some shit about how you can't do this right now.

him: do you really think that?...look at me! do you?

her: i don't want to.. i don't know ...that seems to be the pattern.

him: all i can say is im not like other guys..and i think you feel that..

her : i know..i don't think i would willing do this with you if i really thought you were..being completely honest..my heart can't take anymore.

I'm falling apart...my mind is playing tricks on me..distorting the fact .

I cannot emphasize enough that my body 
Is a badly designed, poorly put together vessel,
Harboring these diminishing, so-called ‘vital organs’
Hope my heart goes first...

Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do  
I heard that you like the bad girls Honey, is that true?

I hope you never think about anything as much as i think about you.

last night was the first time you called me baby in a text..it's almost like you felt that i needed reassurance that this is real..i spent the entire day over thinking what we are and fighting the urge to text you..and in one text my questions were answered.

you keep the demons at bay ..I hope you stay.

12/16

this is the start to something...I've only felt quite like this once before.

"silly girl..i know i mask it with my sarcastic nature, but i get that...that butterflies in the stomach feeling being with you..."

im haunted and im damaged...exhausted and enraged..but you..you make me so goddamn happy.



..I'm scared.

I'm holding on to my sanity by a thread...and i can't seem to stop thinking about you.

december 6

 I think it means something that all day i was basically falling apart, and your the only one i could share it with...i woke up and realized I wasted 6 years of my life in a shitty retail and it's almost too much to bare. You made it better ..i don't know how but you did.

I'm smitten , and i guess I didn't need ten hours tangled in bed with you to confirm that.

"i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
–firm–smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what–is–it comes
over parting flesh....And eyes big Love–crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new"

ugh.

I like you.................oh god I'm so fucked.

i need to write this down.. i have bite marks all over my body, ive never made out for two hours straight before...i love how pure you are and how natural everything with you is. i cant give you much , im not ready to get my heart involved..but you remind me of greg and the way everything between us was effortless...

grabs my face and kisses me *
Me: how long have you wanted to do that?
him: umm.. the first moment i saw you. damn what took me so long?

ashton.

I'm just a notch in your head board ..well technically the headboard is mine..and thats fine ..i hope ill never have the misfortune of mistaking the way you hold me after sex as something other then what it is ..a courtesy.

" i dont expect anything from you"

you don't expect anything from me but to stay lovingly by your side why i get nothing in return.. is that what you ment by that?..because it's all i fucking heard...i called you drunk out of my mind tonight to provoke a response..having just made love to another man , thinking maybe i would feel some guilt ..maybe thinking i would feel some amount of sorrow for what we have become..but there was none..your words make me feel less then human..and now it just hurts looking at you and hearing your voice....i really just want you to stay the fuck away from me and fade off into the distance..

if its artificial let it be..

you never loved me and i guess its okay..you were a actor playing the role of a boy in love..speaking to me about feelings you didn't feel..and i don't blame you because i knew the entire time and i fell anyway..i love you ...and im sure i always will...
i believe you saw a women before you that needed love and you did your best to do so..and though you claim that im still all you want..
i refuse to stay and accept what it is you decide to give me ..and yes im dating and im living and i appear to not feel a thing, i feel it all ..i feel the lost everyday.

lost of shimmer

I don't know what were doing ..and  i feel like im becoming this person impossible to love ..

cling to what you know...

we sat so closely on that bench ..we kept bumping into each other..but neither of us moved ..for fear of what that ment.

Me: I'm happy for you , your one step closer to getting what you want...whatever it is that you want..
* pokes my side, rubs my back ..before he holds me in his arms..looks me in the eyes*
Him : I hope so.

thank you.

thank you for proving me wrong tonight..tonight i saw a glimpse of the man i fell in love with ....i don't know what we are ..but i know that we both love each other and your not going anywhere and i guess tonight thats all i need.
"I just need to get myself together..i want you to go out and be happy..see who you want ..Im just gonna focus on what i need done..anyways i only want one girl and thats you "

word for word.

For once my eyes are open to you, and everything you've said.
For once your web of lies is in the open.
I gave you everything I had, until I had nothing left.
Now still you act as if I'm just a burden.
I've finally let go. Let go, let go.

Stay silent at least for now, and let me move on.
'Cause I'm so done playing these games with my heart
I've been around the world and back for you, and now its time to choose.

I've been swallowed by this wreck that you call your life.
I'm damaged from the inside. I've been broken.
Don't threaten me with what you think I feel.
If you could read my mind you'd be in tears.

I'm sick of your excuses you hold above me.
I've finally come to terms with what I am.
I'm nothing in your eyes, and this will not change.
I'm living in a dream.


And I'll close my eyes, and dream of a better time
when I'll be finally past this and I'll be happy on my own.
I've done all I can, and I've still been cast aside.
All I ever wanted to be was be the one who would wipe those tears from your eyes.
But I guess I'll play second best, to a world that will never care about you.
You'll never understand .
You'll tell me that you care, and then run straight back to her.
I can hear your voice of treason from a mile away.

You never did know how to whisper.

You're such a liar. Tell me the truth.
You're such a liar. Tell me the truth.
You're such a liar. Tell me the truth.

you were so true to yourself ..you were true to no one else.

I'm silently waging wars against us my love..

sometimes you don't say the right thing but your lips seem to find mine when they need too..and im not sure if i can give that up.

doubting your sincerity feels something like being burnt alive.

go on girl bury yourself
  until nothing of you remains..

  

" I will spend the next few days ..thinking about monday when you clock out and i see you and i get to hold you , kiss you all i want and go home with you my baby girl'

bipolar bear..

I could write a goddamn book on us...I've spent the last hour looking through emails and myspace exchanges..we were so sick together.

On Fri, Oct 30, 2009 at 1:43 PM, <ladyfizzo wrote:

im so afraid and i just dont know what to do anymore...i understand your illness..and im not mad at you at all..im just sad..and i dont know what direction to go in ..in reguards to how i feel about you..i miss you like hell you should know that.

blake2099

I wish you would call me at night like you used to.

 ladyfizzo2008@aim.com wrote:

i wish i didn't miss you.

blake2099

you mean you wish you could forget me.

we would talk for hours like this going in circles ,

 we would rip each other apart and patch each other back up again...

I have nothing but your words to hold on to.

all the words that you say , are somehow stuck in my mouth...

Me: haha the honeymoon phase is offically over ..
him: why do you say?
Me: we just called each other pains in the ass that why..
him: i don't know we will see..
Me: whatttttttttttt do you mean we will see? whatttttt
Him: i don't think it is....when i see you ..and get to kiss you it still feels the same.
me: how does it feel?
Him:  i can't get enough..i can't get enough of you.

more then anything..

I want you to get clean, ive spent the last five years wanting just that...if i could only have that it will be enough. P and i have had to many conversations about your death and how were  going to go on if. and when it takes place...your twenty fucking five you have more life in you then any one person should have..ive loved you whole heartedly since i was 14 years old...what the fuck can i do now?

"yeah it sucks, and im like relapsing every week

im becoming really terrible and a wreck again"

"i need drugs

i need to stop crying"

tell me what to do and ill do it...tell me who you need me to be .. and ill be that.

you can crash and burn..

and ill bet you'll never learn.

you know i love you
i really love you
what do words like love mean?
you know what i mean
you know its fleeting

I like words like temporary...

the way you love me ..has this shit way of making me feel completely dysfunctional at times..
you treat me like an angel ...there is something wrong about that.

                           'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
                                         life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
                                          No one can find the rewind button, girl.
                                              So cradle your head in your hands
                                                  And breathe... just breathe,
                                                    Oh breathe, just breathe

for the most part i think im just going to go crazy, and everyone is just gonna sit and watch me as i go.

explain the bussiness of sorrow

There was this man once who told me there was this sadness about me, he could see it in my eyes and hear it in my laugh and i loved that man because he saw it and in his sick way he saw it as beauty..and he said i was strong but i wasn't and im not.

so sir where are you? explain to me why for the entire day ive been on the verge of tears ..you were always so good at telling me about myself and seeing the parts of me..i thought of you all day and how i could tell you all the fucked up things swirling in my head........for the most part i would like to tell you that ..most days i dont know how im going to go on and that everyday i get out of bed i surprise myself, and most of the time when i laugh its like a triumph because i dont know how a person carries around the feeling i have in my chest and can find it in them to laugh..don't get me wrong i have something now that i have never had before..someone who loves me and i him. but im still sad and i dont know why and this post is point less but yea.

your so perfect sometimes. i can hardly stand it.hahahahaha

text from me: well goodnight i guess, sleep well.

call from him: aw shit i fell asleep on you , im so sorry baby...shit.

me:it's okay you were tired go back to sleep jesus.

Him: are you sure ? are you okay? are you really sure ?

i'm not sure what I want anymore...If I want there to be a us even ..Im not sure if i've been talking my way in this entire time, or this is my last attempt of talking my way out...my confusion is not from lack of love..thats all that i know for certain.

If we wont burn together ,ill burn alone.

that was my facebook status this day last year..i cant remember if this post had something to do with you or not. probably .
it's funny at times i feel like everything ive said or done in the past two years has bits and pieces of you in it.
your inside me now and i want to crawl out of my own goddamn skin most nights because of it.

my mind has fucked me over more times than any man could ever know.

Maybe I should give up, give in,
give up trying to be thin,
give up and turn into my mother,
god knows I love her.

and I'm sorry to which ever man should meet my sorry state,
watch my steady lonesome gait and beware.
I would never love a man 'cause love and pain go hand in hand
and I can't do it again.

you give me the greatest sleep.

I don't know anything anymore...and days like today i become aware what one hasn't said or the things people neglect to mention are the things that climb inside our chest and slowly destroy us and murder our forever's.

I'm not hiding ..im just buying time for us to find the back door.

its 2:34 in the morning and i have somehow managed to unravel every ounce of trust in me that you have rightfully earned...I'm going over every " i love you" and replaying every scene between us searching for  any signs that you wished i was her...this is me looking for the back door.

all the while your unsuspecting ..since you met me i feel like you spend your days healing scars,and trying to right all the wrongs ..you cant ...its not fair... i wish i was brand new for you. i just want to be new for you...because even in your arms at times i feel so broken.

lovedrug

                                      Would you believe me if i told you
                            That i'm surfacing for just one thieving moment
                                                To steal your heart

                                   Would you believe me if i told you
                                          That fairy tales come true
                                             When i'm with you
                               I'll free the one who falls in love again

the way you kiss my shoulder or stroke my back when i get too quiet...the way sometimes when we are in public out of nowhere you grab my face and kiss me like its life or death.. what a beautiful wreck we are..

you told me you tried to hurt yourself , you kept repeating to me " i was just so sad ..so sad..so sad" my dear ive been to that place before , i still visit it more often then anyone will ever know ..It hurts me because i want to take that feeling in the pit of your stomach away ..but the only thing i can do for you is be present .. and for you to know that im there ..a phone call away...

the intimacy in this relationship is something Ive been running from my entire life..

you still dig at me..

for the first time in a long time your face appeared to me as if to remind me that what i am today are simply the pieces you left behind....

rant#
you left me so goddamn cold and defensive , i cant help but feel at times that everyone is out to get me ..i let you in ..i let you in ..YOU a wolf  a wounded  disguised as a friend as love. you did a fucking number on me sir..i want to have a sit down with my past self and tell her baby girl slow down ..stay away.

This man see's me as his future but the past is fucking killing us.

I'm blushing on the inside , just thinking about those damn green eyes.

I hope you’ll hear me in the streetlight’s humming, softly breathing out your name.

I know that even with the seams stitched tightly, darling scars will remain.

I say we scrape them from each other, darling, and let them wash off in the rain.

And when they run into the river, oh no, let the water not complain.

I swear that even with the distance, slowly wearing at your name,

Your hands still catch the light the right way and

Our hearts still beat the same.

C.b: stop calling yourself that.it's pissing me off.your not at all what your making yourself out to be, you're sweet and you're loving and i see that ...let me repeat myself you're sweet and loving.

me : thank you.

c.b: i don't want your thank you.

me: well what do you want?

C.b: i want you to know that what I'm saying is true .I want you to be happy.
c.b: you're loved baby girl.

somehow I love you falls short.

you handle the things you love with care..

you make time for things that are important to you...

I don't like repeating myself..i feel like i've had this conversation many times before.. I'm not angry , I'm honestly just exhausted..

I shouldn't have to ask for your presence , it should be given to me because the fact that we only cross each others paths in hallways and work station should be unsettling or alarming or anything other then what it is now ..typical.
i just don't really understand ...

.

at least i have nothing...nothing to tie me down..not even someone , I've got no more family in this town.

simply starting to forget ,things you've long forgotten..

...I won't be left dancing alone to song from our past.

and maybe you dont love me..

or maybe you do but i know better to look for my joy , my complete worth in the eyes of another...

it's hard to look in the face of love and not flinch , love has always come at me swinging.

It's nice to obsess over something beautiful for a change..

Your not sorry now ,but i know that one day you will be.

we were never meant to be strangers, but that's what we've been reduced to.

love is not neat..

it's messy ,and its better with blood shed ... I won't lose myself in you ..priorities goddamn it ...priorities.

Let me be the one that calls you baby all the time..

surely you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine.

the thought would have never crossed my mind..

if you would have asked me a year ago , that i would wake up this particular day and feel quite this way ...i wouldn't believe it. I guess this can easily be explained as

the beginning of a new chapter ,means the ending of another.

him: i want to taste your lips again on my lips

[12:40:50 AM]
Savannah Flynt: i was just thinking the same about you..


the thing about it is , I've never craved anothers lips so much in my entire life..

he's screaming i love you

like the words itself have the potential to engulf him in flames...

"it is burning in my stomach and i feel like if i didnt say it i was going to yell it out my body just couldnt keep it bottled up inside anymore"

ive always saw love as something like a fire..

universe you're toying with me..

hearing him say "fuck " turns my insides into knots, he sound exactly like you..the way you form your sentences ,everything is a reminder..of you and your pretty mouth...I dont understand why i can't escape...

no love , no glory.

harry potter look alike your looking thru me like glass,I have nothing left to hide behind...and im scared as fuck.

who are you haunted by? i know its not me but at least id like to think that it's the safe place i took you to..

im speechless.

i always talk about you,because you are the only thing thats real.

screaming from the rafters..

wont make your statement true, its a lie ..you're a liar.
and the person your lying next to wont change that, throwing a cover over something doesn't make it disappear...it remains.

have fun "wit yo girl"

oh and fuck you..

I won't become good. I won't become nice. I'll be bad just for him. I'll fuck just for him. When I can fuck without looking for his love I'll stop running.

7/12

" I'm there when no one else is, when your horrible to be around and i stick around even when i wanna slap you for being dumb and letting these boys hurt you ...I am your best friend that's my job"

looking back..

I believe this was one of the greatest nights of my life,looking at this picture now i still remember how loved ..how free it all felt.

I cant even breathe..

you spent the last year trying to prove that you are not like everyone else, but you are ...you fucking are ...you used me, and you made a goddamn fool of me.

I deserve this ...

Dear savannah

I'm gonna need you to stay strong.

back to basics

My best friend just confessed to me that she felt like i was drifting ..i didnt even know what to say .
i wanted to say i recently realized how much time I've invested in things that dont matter and Im sorry ..

and if there is one person in this world that deserves more from me it is you,

and that i dont feel present ..nothing feels real. I'm sorry..im sorry. if i ever made you feel anything less then loved by me, my lighthouse.

but
the only words i could manage is ..im not going anywhere.

" you're like one of those girls who'll fuck everybody except the guy who loves her"

sweet

you manage to always appear when i feel like the grounds gonna give way beneath my feet..........

him: you're not the type of girl that needs saving..

I : what if  I am?

him: your not..nor do i think you'll ever be...but ..shit ..I'm here you could always just run away with me.

skjsls

.the.words spoke between us still quake me to broken bits, and on nights like these where breathing is a burden ..i curse your goddamn name ..